It’s been a long, hot summer, and I have been bored and restless. Oh, I’ve been keeping myself busy. I planted a big garden last spring that needs constant tending. We went berry picking. I learned to can tomatoes. We redid our only bathroom (not a project I would really recommend).
But, we’ve been struggling again with sex and love and relationships. Or, perhaps I should say that I have been struggling with sex and love and relationships. As far as I can tell Jack is only struggling with me and my inscrutably fickle sex drive.
It’s unclear how much of my fickleness is related to using the pill. I’ve been switching around brands lately to see if that helps. Sometimes it seems to. Mostly not, though. I may try taking another break next month.
I think the “problem” goes deeper than medication though. I think I’ve always been alternately insatiable and uninterested, cycling on the scale of months or even years for no reason I can understand.
When I met Jack in college, I was insatiable, almost always the instigator, the aggressor. I wanted sex far more often than he wanted it. Then, as I recall it, sex was regular and stable and good for a few years. I think the indifference started to creep in around the end of time we were living together after college.
It didn’t really matter, though, because we both moved away to grad schools in separate states after that. My limited sex drive probably helped keep us together for the next few years as much as anything.
Two years in, though, the insatiable came back full force. I couldn’t hack the celibacy thing anymore. So, I announced that I was going to start seeing other people. And, I did. And, it was exciting for awhile, but now Jack has moved in with me, and I am back to indifference. This is awkward because I want to want him. I just…don’t.
Part of me wants to just declare that this, this is who I am. It’s just the way I am built.
But, I am not with out empathy. I understand Jack’s frustrations here.
Imagine this: you meet a nice girl, one you find attractive, and she spends her free time trying to get in your pants. You graduate and move in together and things are good. Maybe not the most exciting, but you are young and the sex is good and very regular.
You move apart, but there is still lots of phone sex. And, the sex you do get to have gets more interesting. Kinkier and edgier. The toy collection expands in new and interesting directions. Then she declares that she cannot go another year with only the occasional week(end) of sex, so she will be fucking other people now.
And, then, then you move in with her again after three long years of living far apart, and she is totally over the sex thing.
I can see how that might make a guy question things. Himself for one. His relationship for another.
And, I know first hand how important sex can feel when you actually want it. The way it distracts and nags at you when you aren’t getting enough of it, and the unique way it soothes and connect people when it is working.
And, that’s pretty much where we are right now.